I'm writing this on my iPhone while waiting in the church parking lot. Three kids are in their AWANA classes. Two are at home. One sick...again. There are many things in life that are not going well. Three (now possibly four) straight weeks of sick kids. Being sick myself for two of them. Other personal things that I won't mention on the blog, but that wake me in the middle of the night, the stress weighing down so heavily I can no longer sleep.
But, as I've previously mentioned, I am an optimist and I can see the silver lining, though sometimes I need a magnifying glass. One area of my optimism that needs work is the times when I am sick, or tired, or sick AND tired. It is these times I have a hard time seeing the bright side. It is in these times that I lose sight of what's important. I lose sight of the fact that God is still God even when I haven't had enough sleep and the world is falling to pieces around me.
I've been reading Hope for the Weary Mom (have I mentioned I read a lot of books...at the same time?) and have found it to be a great help. One thing that works for it is the authors are blatantly honest about what really goes on behind closed doors. They are not Martha Stewart wanna-bes putting on some act that looks pretty in the picture but real people could never pull it off. (How we ever got started talking about MSL Magazine, I'm not sure. ;)) They admit that they fail...a lot...usually in one 24-hr period after another. In their words I have been reminded of the power of weakness.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 ESV)
It's hard to believe when you are as low as you think you can get, and I've been really low the past month, that it is somehow glorifying to God. We live in a country where Christianity is often distorted to, IMO, destroy the weak and the downtrodden. Even when it isn't, more often than not, the weak and sorrowful are met with apathy and judgement by people in the church. But God says to gladly boast of our weaknesses for then He is exalted. Because when we are at our lowest point, when we think we cannot go one more step or pray one more prayer, when we come to the end of our rope and we haven't even the strength left to tie a knot and hang on, *then* we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is the Lord who carries us.
When I had four children, I thought I had arrived. I had the parenting thing down pat. I was perfectly happy. But God was not satisfied to leave me where I was, content in my own self-confidence, so he sent me Babycakes. Slowly my world began to unravel. Even as I drew closer to the Lord, especially after I was saved, it all came apart and landed in a flaming heap...unsalvageable...by human hands.
I'd love to give you the happy ending of this story, but I really don't know as there is. My world has been turned on its head and, as I have no power to aright it, I have no estimation when, or terrifyingly *if*, it will be. But I am learning to completely trust the One who will never betray me, never leave me, never abuse me, never neglect me. He alone knows the future. He has planned the outcome. I am simply to do the work He asks of me while I'm waiting.
"I can't see much past the present but I know who holds the future." First Call